One dad is sharing his daily conversations with his four daughters on Twitter — and they are pretty hilarious.
Kids are known for being unintentionally hilarious at times. Whether it's because they don't have a complete grasp on language yet, or just because they don't fully understand the world. There is a reason there was a show called Kids Say the Darndest Things — because they say exactly what is on their mind without a filter, which is often times refreshing to hear. Like these kids who did not hold back on answering their homework assignments with such brutal honesty their teachers couldn't help but laugh.
But in the case of James Breakwell, a comedy writer and father of three girls, it's probably because his kids have inherited the comedian gene. Breakwell, aka @XplodingUnicorn, shares the hilarious conversations he has with his daughters on Twitter every day, and they're pure gold.
1. Dragons > math.
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
2.
5-year-old: *stares off into space*
Me: What's wrong?
5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?
Me: *stares off into space, too*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2017
3. It's worth it, though.
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!
7-year-old: Love hurts.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2017
4.
Me: What are you doing?
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren't any presents under the tree.
7: I know.
Passive aggressive level 9000.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
5. Burn.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
6.
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What's her name?
Me: She doesn't have one. You can name her.
3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.
She'll make a great mother.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
7. They smell.
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
8.
7-year-old: I'm glad I'm not a boy.
Me: Why?
7: I like being smart.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2017
9. Ouch.
3-year-old: Mommy married you.
Me: Yeah.
3: Why?
Wife: Nobody knows.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2018
10.
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
2: Purrrr.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017
11. Do you want hyper inflation? Because that's how you get hyper inflation.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
12. It's serious.
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2015
13. That's how you get cooties.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
14.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014
15. Vegetables are the worst.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
16.
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
17. It definitely wasn't me.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015
18.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
19. Nightmare material.
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I'm never sleeping again.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
20.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2015
21. Not gonna happen.
3-year-old: Today you can drive.
Me: Well, thank you.
3: And tomorrow I can.
No deal.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2018
22.
5-year-old: Why can't dogs go to school?
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2018
23. Preach, girl.
5-year-old: I'm writing a book.
Me: What's it called?
5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.
Me: Oh.
5: It's just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2018
24.
7-year-old: What did you do at work?
Me: Work.
7: Eww.
Exactly.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2018
25.
3-year-old: You're strong.
Me: Yeah.
3: Really strong.
Me: Definitely.
3: Almost as strong as Mom.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2018
26. She really likes cupcakes.
5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*
Me: Cupcakes aren't a breakfast food.
5: I know. They're an all-day food.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2018
27.
Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2018
28. We can relate.
Me: You're still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2018
29.
[spring break]
5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?
Me: Monday.
5: *slides me a penny* When now?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
30. Do we have to do this every morning?!
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2018
31.
5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
32.
Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
33. Call 911.
2-year-old: *screeches*
Me: What's the emergency?
2: I need cheese.
That is an emergency.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 29, 2018
34.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
35. It's not a very good one.
Me: Have fun at school.
7-year-old: Is that a joke?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 19, 2018
36.
5-year-old: There's snow on the ground.
Me: Yeah.
5: But it’s spring break.
Me: The weather doesn't care about your schedule.
5: It should.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
37.
5-year-old: She bit my butt!
3-year-old: It was an accident.
Me: How do you accidentally bite someone's butt?
3: I was going for her leg.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
38.
My 2-year-old said she has poopy shoes.
I gave her a whole pep talk on how her shoes aren’t poopy, they’re awesome.
Turns out she was saying purple.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
39.
[bedtime]
3-year-old: *hands me a huge book*
Me: Want me to read some?
3: I want you to read it all?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
40. Here's an insight into Easter from a very wise 7-year-old.
7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?
Me: It's Easter.
7: Jesus just wore robes.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2018
41.
Me: Do you know why they call it Good Friday?
7-year-old: There's no school.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2018
42. Trust me, teach.
7-year-old: Why does my teacher keep testing what I know?
Me: What should she do?
7: Trust me.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
43. It'll be our secret.
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
44.
Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2018
45. She's just thinking of you.
7-year-old: You should let me eat more candy.
Me: Why?
7: Then you won't eat it.
She's my new diet plan.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
46.
5-year-old: Princess crowns are always pointy.
Me: Why?
5: To stab monsters.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2018
47.
5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?
Me: Only if you want to.
5: Call me Shredder.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2018
48. That's day one information.
5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2018
49.
My 2-year-old saw snowflakes falling today and yelled, "It's not Christmas!"
You tell 'em, kid.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2018
50. Winner winner chicken dinner.
7-year-old: I'm 7.
5-year-old: I'm 5.
3-year-old: I'm eating.
She wins.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2018